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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...    Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | LIE DETECTOR! John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. and MY Personal Favorite!! WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned- 3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: 'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?' At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued: 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a ve ry good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!' I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!' 'No, I'm t rying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point. 'Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!' As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone. 'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. 'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?' More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to asses s the situation. 'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.' He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!' I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow. (Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms) | ||
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?" A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" " Twelve thirty." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful." One more. . ! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management | ||
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| *HmS*Joe |
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If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. Registered Member #1170 Joined: Wed Mar 22 2006Location: Lancashire, England Posts: 622 | Sounds exactly like my work. | ||
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| IC-Raini |
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  Registered Member #1264 Joined: Thu May 25 2006Location: Germany Posts: 129 | Fundamentals of Investment Banking explained Young Danny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night.' Danny replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Danny said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Danny said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Danny said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Danny and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Danny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Danny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Today Danny works for Goldman Sachs. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | From Newspapers Headlines Around The Country... Man Kills Self before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one observed in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune the other and the Editorial Room was asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. And they go on and on... Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really? Ya think? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ----------------------------------------------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! --------------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------------------------------ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ---------------------------------------------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ---------------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide; They may be on to something! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program. ---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge; He probably IS the battery charge! ---------------------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ----------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ------------------------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? **************************************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! *************************************************** Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ******************************************* And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | YOU GOTTA LOVE THE IRISH! McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. “Scuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over hat McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?” “Nothin’,” said the Irishman, “me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.” The Lost Luggage An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman, “I’ve lost me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman. Water to Wine An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water”, says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!” The Brothel Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis s shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.” Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity … one of the girl’s must be quite ill.” Lost at Sea Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately, the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of the Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had been granted. After a long tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going, Patrick! Now we are going to have to pee in the boat.” The Fall Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!” And … saving th e best for last … You’ve Been Drinking Again An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave, fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So, he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been drinking again!” Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?” “The pub just called. You left your wheelchair there again.” | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Ya gotta love a redneck REDNECK LENT Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.' Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now youse a catfish.' | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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 Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | THE " MAN RULES " AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN WE ALWAYS HEAR ' THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. 1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN. 1. SUNDAY SPORTS IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE. 1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT. AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY. 1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL. 1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT! 1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION. 1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR. 1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS. 1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US. 1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE. 1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF. 1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS. 1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE. 1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS. 1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT. 1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. 1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR. 1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY . 1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE' RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL OR GOLF. 1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES. 1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES. 1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE! 1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT; BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts. | ||
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| *HmS*Proteus |
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  Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | *HmS*Quick wrote ... THE " MAN RULES " AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN WE ALWAYS HEAR ' THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. 1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN. 1. SUNDAY SPORTS IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE. 1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT. AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY. 1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL. 1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT! 1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION. 1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR. 1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS. 1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US. 1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE. 1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF. 1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS. 1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE. 1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS. 1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT. 1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. 1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR. 1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY . 1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE' RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL OR GOLF. 1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES. 1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES. 1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE! 1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT; BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING. Amen, Brother... Sooo true! | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | LOL yes it is just dont show our wife or girlfriend  | ||
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| *HmS*deathwish |
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 Registered Member #345 Joined: Sun Oct 31 2004Location: peterborough. uk Posts: 821 | just don't let the wife know you got a girlfriend as well    | ||
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