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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.   Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | One day an old German Shepherd Dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old dog sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says.... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance comes with age and experience. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | POLITICS and WHISKEY In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas): "If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being. However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it. This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle." | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | An older, white haired man from Ft. Lauderdale in Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!' See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | I went fishing last summer but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | While on a road trip, an elderly couple (well, he was elderly) stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, Ms. Vicki unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, Echo11 became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his sweetheart relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As Ms. Vicki got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, Echo11, the old geezer yelled to her... While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card. This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care. I have now done MY part. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Trevor is passing by Wedge's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Trevor rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Wedge?" "Good grief, Trevor, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Wedge. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." (Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.) | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, BJ's and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look).. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc. Please, send this on to all the men you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | The Irish Funeral A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line." | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A poem about growing older. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . CRAP!!! I forgot the words. | ||
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| *HmS*Grave Digger |
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 Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | I thought I was the only one with that problem | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I damn well didn't." | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Canadian Eh! A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.  Proud To Be Canadian, Eh!!!!! | ||
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| *HmS*Grave Digger |
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| Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | Thats a good number lol | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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kim  Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | *HmS*grunt wrote ... Canadian Eh! A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon. Proud To Be Canadian, Eh!!!!! What's a "gallon"?  | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Returned Mail Can you believe it? The government sent my Census form back to me! In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependants?" I replied "YES", 2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons, And 650 idiots in Parliament. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who the hell did I miss? | ||
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