The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Registered Member #343
Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004 Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490
Guy's RULES
RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW!!!........please note...these are all numbered #1 on purpose!!!
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. Yes, we will look at a woman in a dress with nice legs. She's not a bitch, slut or otherwise to us. Just because she weigh less than you.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and who's playing today or next Sunday.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!!!!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendars. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. You can either ask us to do something, OR tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear Wonder bras and Low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet, attic, basement, or worse, the garbage.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW!!!........please note...these are all numbered #1 on purpose!!!
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. Don't ask us the same question
1. Yes, we will look at a woman in a dress with nice legs. She's not a bitch, slut or otherwise to us. Just because she weigh less than you. What happened to respecting the woman you are with?
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. Please wipe it off when you are done dribbling all over the toilet then.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. Once again, why is it just looks that count? What about what's UNDER the hair?
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! I agree, unless you hint at it, then you'd better come through, lol
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear. I hate loaded questions too
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Same goes for us!
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and who's playing today or next Sunday. You know, sometimes, we want to hear this stuff..we need good jokes for when we get together with the girlfriends!
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Sunday = shopping = sports
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. See above
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Yeah, right. If we want to wear that slinky thing that makes other guys look, you get all pissy!
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. NEVER! I have 2 pairs of jeans, and 4 pairs of shoes. How is that too much?
1. Crying is blackmail. Oh Lord, wait till you have extra extrogen running rampant through your body!
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. Duh, why do you think we are with you?
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!!!! But we DO tell you, but you just tune us out! And we say it during commercials, when it is ON the TV!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendars. Remind us frequently beforehand. You have heard of selective hearing? Well, you also have selective memory....
1. most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Because we want to look good on YOUR arm!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Ok, answer this one...How many kids should we have?
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Don't come to us when your favorite football teams chokes at the superbowl
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Get a pump!
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Dog Soldiers is a foreign film....28 Days Later is foreign...Boondock Saints is too. Don't knock it
1. Check your oil. Please. Please show us where it is (for those who can't read)
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. Well, when it's 2 AM, it's easier to fake it and get a little extra sleep!
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. That's a two way street!
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Thank god, soap opera guys are pansys!
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. Once again, what happened to respecting the woman you are with, or did that go out of fashion?
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. I agree.
1. You can either ask us to do something, OR tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Hey, we just are trying to tell you the quickest way to get it done, so you can go back to your easy chair with a beer and the remote!
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. The problem with that is that you are still captivated by the boob tube...your brain has melted!
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. Yeah, he really ended up in India, didn't he?
1. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear Wonder bras and Low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. [color]Yeah, we have a pair too. It all comes back to respect, ya hairy Neaderthal [color]
LSU_Tiger wrote ...
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better. Yeah, when the sex was good......
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. Please don't get in the way when we are decorating, but do tell us you would like manly colors somewhere
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. Understandable, but at least take your hand out when you are done!
1. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet, attic, basement, or worse, the garbage. Then wash it once and awhile!
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Registered Member #343
Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004 Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490
Rules for Women 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9 If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e., Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford are prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves are better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Registered Member #343
Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004 Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490
(38) A Woman's 50 Rules For Men (58) 1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lard-Ass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, after shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after dark.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balance everything.
---
And to be fair...
25 rules for Women (Composed by Men) 1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift. Unless they're coolmax!
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated and Runners World are better magazines than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post- coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Registered Member #343
Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004 Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490
Oil Change instructions for WOMEN:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
<span class='smallblacktext'>[ Edited Thu Mar 30 2006 ]</span>
Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005 Location: Skåne / Sweden Posts: 568
I know that most of these are true... But are they all?
Guy Things
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK" Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."