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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"  | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, With nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's' idea .. | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | There were two nuns... > > One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , > > and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) . > > It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. > > SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for > the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. > > SL: It's logical. He wants to attack us. > > SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes > at the most! What can we do? > > SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. > > SM: It's not working. > > SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only > logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. > > SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. > > SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and > I'll go this way He cannot follow us both. > > So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. > > > > Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is > worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. > > Then Sister Logical arrives. > > SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! > Tell me what happened ! > > SL : The only logical thing happened. > The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me > > SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then? > > SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run > as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. > > SM : And? > > SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me > > S! M : Oh, dear! What did you do? > > SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. > > SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? > > SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. > > > > SM: Oh, no! What happened then? > > SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? > A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down . > > > And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, > > . > > . > I'll pray for you! | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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   Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat, down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubbercould have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon. An LSU fan, an Auburn fan, a Tennessee fan, and a Mississippi State fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most die-hard fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Tennessee fan proclaimed to the other three "This is for the Volunteers!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice, screaming 'Rocky Top' as he fell to his death.  Not to be outdone by the Tennessee fan, the Mississippi State fan jumped up and shouted "This is for the DAWGS!" and threw himself off the mountain barking "Who let the Dawgs out?...Woof, woof, woof, woof!" as he crashed on the rocks below.  Refusing to be outdone by the Tennessee and Mississippi State fans, the LSU fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for THE TIGERS!" and without hesitation, pushed the Auburn fan off the mountain shouting, "Fly War Eagle! Fly!"  | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Investment tips for 2006 for all of you with any money left. Be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006. 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: Zip Audi DoDa. 5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. 8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally 9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Stoopid People!!! In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) ***Now I really wonder what other stoopid instructions are out there. Post 'em if you see 'em!!! *HmS*OBB | ||
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| *HmS*Ranger Six |
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| *HmS*Ranger Six Registered Member #19 Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003Location: griffin, ga, usa Posts: 1157 | stoopid? | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote Conservative or occasionally shit yourself.......You hang in there sunshine, You're damn special... | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says " Dam !" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him " Juan ." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan , you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | groan  | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Ranger, stoopid is kinda like saying "huket en fonixs werket fir mi!" | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | CHINESE SICK LEAVE Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!! | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ....... 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do Mo re Than Lay People." 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." 13. Definition of a teenager....... God's punishment for enjoying sex. 14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. | ||
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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit  Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 | A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Tennessee fan. She ask her students to raise their hands if they are Tennessee fans too. Not really knowing what a Tennessee Fan was, But wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. " Because I'm not a Tennessee fan" she reports. "Then" asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Georgia fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Georgia fan. "Well my dad and mom are Georgia fans, so I'm a Georgia fan too" she responds. "That's no reason" the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" Susie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Tennessee fan." | ||
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