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Just some quick jokes!

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*HmS*deathwish

Fri Feb 01 2008

Registered Member #345

Joined: Sun Oct 31 2004
Location: peterborough. uk
Posts: 821

God said, 'Adam,

I want you

to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him.

Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

!

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

! After

God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,

into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was

back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said

*

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

*HmS* Halkatla

Mon Feb 25 2008

Halkatla

Registered Member #674

Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005
Location: Skåne / Sweden
Posts: 568

New Survey

Women's Arse size study.
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

*HmS*Tiger

Fri Mar 07 2008

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through! the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?' If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

*HmS*Ole Fart

Mon Mar 10 2008

Registered Member #432

Joined: Tue Dec 28 2004
Location: Spanish Fork UT
Posts: 1681

UP OR DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?' ;
< BR>The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were sex or drown.'

*HmS*Tiger

Tue Mar 18 2008

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

The Pirate

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

Arrggh

The Red Jacket

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"

*HmS*deathwish

Tue Mar 18 2008

Registered Member #345

Joined: Sun Oct 31 2004
Location: peterborough. uk
Posts: 821

This is sadly true in so many ways. Hope you enjoy reading it.

Obituary: My parents told me about Mr.Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by.

Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain,why the early bird gets the worm,life isn't always fair,and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple,sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults,not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band aid to a student but did not need the parents approval to distribute condoms.

Common Sense lost the will to live when religions became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own
home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

*HmS*Cardinal

Wed Mar 19 2008

I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup!

Registered Member #1489

Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006
Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany
Posts: 1216

A sad day for all of us! I must admit I saw him cry in agony on few occasions, but didn't know what to do to make him feel better. I will be a hopeless world without him.

.... errr .... Anybody interested in buying small amounts of left over hope for a truly resonable price? ... cough ... limited offer ... do not tell anyone else! ...

*HmS*Cardinal

Wed Mar 19 2008

I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup!

Registered Member #1489

Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006
Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany
Posts: 1216

Mystery solved:
Sourcecode Windows 98

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
Original version date : Aug 1994
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}--

*HmS*Proteus

Wed Mar 19 2008

Registered Member #1341

Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006
Location: Chesterfield, England
Posts: 487

*HmS*deathwish wrote ...

This is sadly true in so many ways. Hope you enjoy reading it.

Obituary: My parents told me about Mr.Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by.

Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain,why the early bird gets the worm,life isn't always fair,and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple,sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults,not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band aid to a student but did not need the parents approval to distribute condoms.

Common Sense lost the will to live when religions became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own
home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Truly a sad day, however,his spirit lives on in his followers, decency and hope.

*HmS*Cardinal

Thu Mar 20 2008

I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup!

Registered Member #1489

Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006
Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany
Posts: 1216

"There are only 10 kinds of people in this world:
Those who understand binary;
And those who don't."

*HmS*grunt

Thu Mar 20 2008

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Registered Member #14

Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2646

Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is.... MOLASSES!

*HmS*grunt

Fri Apr 04 2008

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Registered Member #14

Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2646

Things you never want to see ion your Employee Performance Evaluations

These are supposed quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8 "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. "
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

*HmS*Quick

Thu Apr 24 2008

Registered Member #143

Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 1700

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things
were when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill
BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch
of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty,
I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today, you don't
know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the
Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to
go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in
the card catalog!!

There was no e-mail!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter...with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a
week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record
store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning
and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got
a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy
Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer,
a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You
had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the
Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!! And there
were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one
screen forever! And you could never win. The game
just kept getting harder and harder and faster and
faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the
same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a
hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you
were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels and there was no on-screen
menu and no remote control! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You
were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You
had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to
change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network
either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little
rat-b*stards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove or go build a
frigging fire..

Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use
that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the
stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You
guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

*HmS*Cardinal

Fri Apr 25 2008

I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup!

Registered Member #1489

Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006
Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany
Posts: 1216

*HmS*Proteus

Fri Apr 25 2008

Registered Member #1341

Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006
Location: Chesterfield, England
Posts: 487

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You
guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

I remember the 1980s.
They were fun

from the 40+ crew

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