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| Author | Post | ||
| LoneGunman |
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  Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone." | ||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | God and the devil have decided to swap a couple of people you see, the devil needed a couple of AC repairmen and it turns out a couple of guys had turned their lives around. So, God sent down the repairmen and then the devil decided not to let the guys he had go. God was enormously upset. He said, "This isn't fair at all not in my book or any, in fact I'll take you to court." The devil merely chuckled, "And where are you going to get a lawyer?" | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. | ||
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| Cpt Basford SAS |
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| Guest | there is a meeting of 200 people at a spiritualist church, the minister shouts out to the crowd " HAS ANYONE EVER SEEN A GHOST" and 200 people put their hands up. he then asks "HAS ANYONE HERE TONIGHT EVER BEEN TOUCHED BY A GHOST" and 100 people put their hands up. he then asks "HAS ANYONE EVER MADE LOVE TO A GHOST" and one old man puts his hand up. the minister says "COME ON TO THE STAGE MY SON" the old man goes up on stage and the minister says "WHAT WAS IT LIKE MAKING LOVE TO A GHOST? " and the old man says " SORRY I THOUGHT YOU SAID GOAT " (3) | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like. The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back, and took a piss." | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | The 3 stooges were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first stooge said, "Those are deer tracks." The second stooge said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third stooge said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The 3 stooges were still arguing when the train hit them. (6) | ||
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| Deep Six |
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  Registered Member #60 Joined: Tue Jan 13 2004Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin U.S.A. Posts: 674 | |||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night at his mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Shirley, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious!" "It is serious," he said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we'll be broke!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and he began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library!" I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors ... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I belivve that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video. Last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experience about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. Soon, I will be able to vote Republican. | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | Uncle Bob The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That's a fine story Lucy," she continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam, and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory, and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke, and then killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't f#$k with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." | ||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT The Bush government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that." lol | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | Bush's Intelligence Quiz ---------------------------- While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!" | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | The Great Wizard of Oz --------------------------- The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain." "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE." There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Is Dorothy here?" | ||
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| *HmS*Psychonut |
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   Registered Member #152 Joined: Mon Apr 05 2004Location: West Virginia Posts: 125 | good one lone lmao lol | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...   Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | DUST One Morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the heck," he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Kim," he hollered into the bathroom. "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shouted back: "That's not talcum powder. it's Miracle Grow". | ||
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| Deep Six |
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| Registered Member #60 Joined: Tue Jan 13 2004Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin U.S.A. Posts: 674 | A Frenchman was walking down Main Street with a pig under his arm. He met a friend outside a cafe who said: "Where'd you get that pig?" And the Pig said: "I won him in a raffle!" | ||
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