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| *HmS*Proteus |
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   Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | forgot to mention, not a joke, not really funny but there is a place in the USA called HMS, google earth has it but there is absolutely nothing visible at that location. good camo job HMS Squad  | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.  Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Yep, went right past there last summer on the cruise. We went to: Seattle, Ketchican, Juneau, Skagway, Glacier Bay and Vancouver. Great trip if you ever get an opportunity. | ||
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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit  Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 |  Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was ! looking for a littlesomething extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome! !!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*! !!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.   | ||
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| NUT ACE |
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picard Registered Member #1450 Joined: Wed Oct 11 2006Location: The Netherlands Posts: 635 |   You are gonna hear this for at least half a year (if not longer) on ventrillo... Very funny... I would love to hear what your wife said when you told her.... Wish I could have been present to witness it.... So I hope you're completely recovered, or are we gonna see you stagger around the field (no muscle control anymore) next time you play... [ Edited Tue May 01 2007 ] | ||
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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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| I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 | A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" the man ask "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff." | ||
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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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| I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 | Subject: TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. ***DINING OUT *** 1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME *** 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. ***PERSONAL HYGIENE *** 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several Days. However, if you live alone..... Deodorant is a waste of good money. **DATING (Outside the Family) ** 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad. ***WEDDINGS *** 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. ***DRIVING ETIQUETTE *** 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the Largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. ***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER** 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records | ||
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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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| I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 | Little Kelly was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Kelly, who created the universe?" When Kelly didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Kelly and the teacher said, "Very good" and Kelly fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Kelly, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Kelly didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Kelly and the teacher said, "Very good," and Kelly fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Kelly a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Kelly jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT *%&$#@* THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Subject: Fwd: priceless While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, A what? A rectum stretcher! And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket, $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face...... PRICELESS My appologies to all of you law Enforcement Occifers | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Subject: Fw: TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!! LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _____________________________________________________________________ FAMILY: Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ______________________________________________________________________ "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ______________________________________________________________________ LITTLE LADY: A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________ OLD FRIENDS: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?" _______________________________________________________________________ TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! | ||
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| *HmS*Proteus |
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| Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | Two tales I overheard from a friend at a radio listening post. I don't know if you've heard them already but they may raise a chuckle.... first callsign. "This is MRC49 to unknown radar contact, request you alter course 20 degrees starboard to avoid collision. over." Second callsign. "MRC49 this is USSC22, can not alter course at this time, over" first callsign. "USSC22 this is MRC49, STRONGLY recommend you alter course 20 degrees starboard to avoid collision, over." second callsign. "MRC49 this is USSC22 can not alter course at this time, can we recommend YOU change course, over." first callsign, "no we will not change course, over" second callsign, (annoyed) " DO YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE? THIS IS THE USS CONSTELLATION BATTLE GROUP. TO ALTER COURSE WE NEED TO STOP, RE-MANOEVER THE FLEET AND THEN SET OFF AGAIN! WE DEMAND THAT YOU ALTER COURSE." First callsign " this is the lizard point lighthouse.....Your call!"  | ||
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| *HmS*Proteus |
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| Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | the second one is shorter; "American Airways flight 331, this is Heathrow ATC, suggest you change course 15 degrees starboard for noise abatement, over." "Heathrow ATC this is American airways 331, we are a Boeing 767, one of the quietest aircraft in the skies and we are flying at 39000ft, what noise problems can there be?" "American Airways 331 this is Heathrow ATC, understand that but have you ever heared the racket a 767 makes when it hits a jumbo flying the other way?" | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, and 5. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred, to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice, will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key, until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you." If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | If Airlines Sold Paint If you are wondering how airlines go bankrupt read this: Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding! Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking? Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: WHAT? Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs? Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else! Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on our next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United. | ||
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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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| I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 | The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd. 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd. | ||
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