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Just some quick jokes!

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*HmS*OBB

Mon Jun 27 2005

Guest

Well, figuratively speaking. I'm not sure if I would REALLY want to be a pig, due to being turned into pork chops...but that 30 minute thing is still tempting! ROFL

KILLZONE

Mon Jun 27 2005

Registered Member #22

Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003
Location: lichfield england
Posts: 239

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm pork chops (l)

*HmS*J

Mon Jun 27 2005

Registered Member #475

Joined: Wed Jan 26 2005
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 177

Going back to one OBB said about the phone company reminded me of one of AOL's many stupid quotes over the phone:
"If you are having trouble getting online, the use AOL Live Help keyword online for online assistance."
This comment makes me angry everyday that I ring them. Ah and if you have broadband and are having problems....use dialup to access internet.....HELLO....I dont want to!!!!.....Just fix the problem. (113)

*HmS*Quick

Wed Jun 29 2005

Registered Member #143

Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 1700

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-Man elite fighting unit called the U. S. Special Forces Redneck Brigade [USSFRB].

These South Carolina, North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be parachuted into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about the Terrorists:

1. The season opened today

2. There is no limit

3. They taste just like chicken

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt

This mess in Iraq should be over IN LESS THAN A WEEK.

*HmS*OBB

Thu Jul 14 2005

Guest

A joke for our elders here at HmS ! (Trevor? (l) )
The New Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention;
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend;
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next!

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescription's, I have quite a few;
Give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed
I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!

*HmS*OBB

Wed Jul 20 2005

Guest

Quick, this does not in any way apply to you....
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a$$ and head are interchangeable".

Scorpion X

Wed Jul 20 2005

Registered Member #722

Joined: Wed Jul 20 2005
Location: Estonia
Posts: 4

i like them! (58) (20)

*HmS*Blood

Fri Jul 22 2005

HmS.Blood

Registered Member #455

Joined: Mon Jan 10 2005
Location: Denmark
Posts: 1812

Hi guys

Here�s a reason NOT to steal a mans drink..

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." (53)
<span class='smallblacktext'>[ Edited Tue Jul 26 2005 ]</span>

*HmS*OBB

Tue Jul 26 2005

Guest

The Problem with Credit Card Companies...

A lady died this past December, and Citibank billed her in January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 and now is was somewhere around $60.00. A call was placed to Citibank:

Caller: "I am calling to tell you that she died in December"

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Caller: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Caller: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead.

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Caller: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Caller: "Did you just get what I was telling you--What part about her being dead you don't understand?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Caller: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in December."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Caller: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Caller: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Caller: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Caller: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Caller: "Would you like her new billing address?

Citibank: "That might help."

Caller: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Caller: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

*HmS*OBB

Fri Jul 29 2005

Guest

In Pharmacology, most drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Also, Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT&DO."

*HmS*OBB

Fri Jul 29 2005

Guest

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

*HmS*OBB

Sat Jul 30 2005

Guest

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
(41)

*HmS*OBB

Sat Jul 30 2005

Guest

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

*HmS*OBB

Tue Aug 02 2005

Guest

Stolen in The Night
==========This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced
it
yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have:
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose
kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on.
While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not.
It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.
It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up
with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of
cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs
that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt
and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and
Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they
took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at
least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they
stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump
for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in
fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.
One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but
fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with
the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time.
How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep
up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being
attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me
next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving
turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the
medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and
smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.
You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts,
don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look
again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy
Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town
every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my
breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped
out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding
in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

*HmS*Ranger Six

Tue Aug 09 2005

*HmS*Ranger Six

Registered Member #19

Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003
Location: griffin, ga, usa
Posts: 1157

from ebaums:

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

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