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Moderators: Hardmaps Administrator, *HmS*Wedge, *HmS*grunt, *HmS*Trevor, *HmS*LongBow
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...    Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Good advice to all men... It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Johnny. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Barbara. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Barbara to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Barbara. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Johnny EDITOR'S NOTE: Johnny died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Barbara was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Johnny somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. | ||
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| *HmS*Joe |
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If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. Registered Member #1170 Joined: Wed Mar 22 2006Location: Lancashire, England Posts: 622 | You've been programming too long when When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets" When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. | ||
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| *HmS*Joe |
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| If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. Registered Member #1170 Joined: Wed Mar 22 2006Location: Lancashire, England Posts: 622 | Is Windows a Virus No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug. | ||
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| *HmS*Joe |
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| If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. Registered Member #1170 Joined: Wed Mar 22 2006Location: Lancashire, England Posts: 622 | Please if you are Irish do not be offended by these quick jokes. :) Paddy is in the pub when Murphy rushes up to him and says 'Paddy, someone has just stolen your car!', Paddy says 'did you see who took it?', to which Murphy replies, 'No, But i got the reg!!' Paddy is on holiday from work and decides to spend his week in Belfast. He sets off and half way there he gets lost. He pops into a shop and says to the shopkeeper 'Can you tell me the quickest way to Belfast?', The shopkeeper asks 'are you in a car or are you walking?. Paddy says 'i'm in the car'. The shopkeeper replies 'Well, thats the quickest way.'!!! [ Edited Fri Nov 30 2007 ] | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | WHY AM I MARRIED? You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late." Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." " A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man , to love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death." AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus .. so shut the hell up." | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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 Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: � My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. � I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. � Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. � Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed. � I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother. � Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so Are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. � I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. � I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies! � My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? � My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.' � What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | HEALTH ALERT -- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS There is a dangerous virus being transmitted electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreation-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will completely wipe out your personal life. If you should come into contact with WORK, follow these simple instructions: 1. Put your jacket on. 2. Take two good friends with you to the nearest liquor store. 3. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). 4. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | You Might be a Cajun If.... ...you start an angel food cake with a roux. ...watching the "wild kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook. ...you think the head of the united nations is boudreaux/ boudreax-guillory. ...you think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids. ...you think ground hog day and boucherie day are the same holiday. ...you take a bite of 5-alarm Texas chili and reach for the Tabasco. ...fred's lounge in mamou means more to you than the grand ole opry. ...you pass up a trip abroad to go to the crawfish festival in breaux bridge. ...your children's favorite bedtime story begins "first you make a roux..." ...your description of a gourmet dinner includes the words "deep fat fried." ...your mama announces each morning, "well, I've got the rice cooking-what will we have for dinner?" ...you greet your long lost friend at the Lafayette international airport with "iiiiieeeeeee!" . ..you sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "don't eat the dead ones" and you know what he means. ...you don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames. ...you gave up Tabasco for lent. ...you know the difference between zatarains, zeringue, and zydeco. ...your dog thinks the bed of your pickup is his kennel. ...any of your dessert recipes call for jalapenos. ...you consider Opelousas the capital of the state, and Lafayette the capital of the nation. ...you think the four seasons are: duck, rabbit, deer, squirrel. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | WIFE FROM HELL A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking. | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom! | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | My thanks to all those who have sent me emails. Dear All My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........ I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .... Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who want s me to split $70 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a aftershave sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $50.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's relative once removed. By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late! | ||
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| *HmS*Cardinal |
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I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup! Registered Member #1489 Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany Posts: 1216 | *HmS*Wedge wrote ... My thanks to all those who have sent me emails. Dear All My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........ ...snip... Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late! ROFLASTC!!! | ||
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| *HmS*Ole Fart |
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 Registered Member #432 Joined: Tue Dec 28 2004Location: Spanish Fork UT Posts: 1681 | Ten Good Thoughts to Ponder for 2008 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your arse tomorrow Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought For 2008: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions of cows. But haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration. [ Edited Wed Jan 30 2008 ] | ||
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