Forums
| Hardmaps.com :: Forums :: HardMaps Public Forum :: Your Pics and Jokes |
|
<< Previous thread | Next thread >> |
| Just some quick jokes! | ||
| Go to page << >> | |
|
Moderators: Hardmaps Administrator, *HmS*Wedge, *HmS*grunt, *HmS*Trevor, *HmS*LongBow
|
| Author | Post | ||
| *HmS*Grave Digger |
| ||
   Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | It's a true storie  | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Tiger |
| ||
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | An Old Grandpaw's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * *Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.* *Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.* * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.* * Words that soak into your ears are whispered....not yelled.* * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.* * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.* * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.* * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.* * You cannot unsay a cruel word.* * Every path has a few puddles.* * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.* * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.* * Don't judge folks by their relatives.* * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.* * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.* * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.* * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.* * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.* * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.* * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.* * Always drink upstream from the herd.* * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.* * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.* * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.* * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.* *Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God* *Dream like you'll live forever* *Live like you'll die today * | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*grunt |
| ||
Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious. The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation. Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday. | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Grave Digger |
| ||
| Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | Thats a good one. | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Semper Fi |
| ||
Leave no survivers and nobody behind. Registered Member #2337 Joined: Sat Feb 28 2009Location: Dallas. Texas The Lone Star State Posts: 350 | *HmS*grunt wrote ... John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious. The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation. Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday. Hey I told my wife that joke and now I got a black eye...  [ Edited Wed Aug 25 2010 ] | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Grave Digger |
| ||
| Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | Just one | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS* Dustflap |
| ||
  Registered Member #2256 Joined: Mon Nov 03 2008Posts: 84 | good one  | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Tiger |
| ||
| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | You Gotta Take this quiz! DEMENTIA QUIZ: FIRST QUESTION: YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE! TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK? SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? (SCROLL DOWN) ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU? THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT. TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 . NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER..... ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE... FOURTH QUESTION: MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? 2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF: A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT... DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST! ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! ----- HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL. | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Semper Fi |
| ||
| Leave no survivers and nobody behind. Registered Member #2337 Joined: Sat Feb 28 2009Location: Dallas. Texas The Lone Star State Posts: 350 | So much for smart people... Good one Tiger that will make them think. | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*grunt |
| ||
| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Penguins Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Then they kick him in the ice hole." You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you! | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*deathwish |
| ||
 Registered Member #345 Joined: Sun Oct 31 2004Location: peterborough. uk Posts: 821 | lol | ||
| Back to top |
| ||
| *HmS*Grave Digger |
| ||
| Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | nice | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Trevor |
| ||
| Registered Member #35 Joined: Tue Dec 30 2003Location: Lincolnshire England Posts: 2080 | A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, gets a beer and sits down. Then, the M1 walks in. He says, "I've had a really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me!" The black tarmac tells him to calm down and asks if he wants to join him for a drink. The M1 and the black tarmac sit down together. Then, the Dual Carriageway walks in. He says, "I have had a really, really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me". The black tarmac and the M1 tell him to calm down and the Dual Carriageway joins them for a drink. Just then, a piece of red tarmac walks in and the black tarmac starts shaking and whimpering. The bartender asks if anything's wrong and the black tarmac replies, "You don't wanna mess with him... he's a cycle path!!" | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| *HmS*Wedge |
| ||
| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford : Dear Mrs. Murray, Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove. 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. 9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. 10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme. 11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. 12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!' 13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.' And; last, but not least: 14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.' | ||
| Back to top |
| ||
| *HmSr*shempie |
| ||
kim  Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | *HmS*Trevor wrote ... A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, gets a beer and sits down. Then, the M1 walks in. He says, "I've had a really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me!" The black tarmac tells him to calm down and asks if he wants to join him for a drink. The M1 and the black tarmac sit down together. Then, the Dual Carriageway walks in. He says, "I have had a really, really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me". The black tarmac and the M1 tell him to calm down and the Dual Carriageway joins them for a drink. Just then, a piece of red tarmac walks in and the black tarmac starts shaking and whimpering. The bartender asks if anything's wrong and the black tarmac replies, "You don't wanna mess with him... he's a cycle path!!" Oh Trevor  (wave)jk...I've heard worse | ||
| Back to top | | ||
| Go to page << >> | |
Powered by e107 Forum System
This site is best viewed using 1280-1024 screen resolution.
{THEMEDISCLAIMER}