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| Just some quick jokes! | ||
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| *HmS*Semper Fi |
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Leave no survivers and nobody behind.   Registered Member #2337 Joined: Sat Feb 28 2009Location: Dallas. Texas The Lone Star State Posts: 350 | It's 75 F. here in Texas and I'm sweating... | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Yes, we shouldn't be highjacking the thread - so back to some more jokes....... Although...... shempie wrote ... Welcome to Southern Ontario weather PAH!!! The rest of us LAUGH at you southerns that die when it even LOOKS like snow. You need some REAL weather. AND....back to our regularly scheduled program... Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her Father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her Father and placed some thing in his hand..Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to The father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him To divulge the secret and say something So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit card to me." The whole audience including priest started laughing.......... But not the poor groom! | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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kim  Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | *HmS*grunt wrote ... Yes, we shouldn't be highjacking the thread - so back to some more jokes....... Although...... shempie wrote ... Welcome to Southern Ontario weather PAH!!! The rest of us LAUGH at you southerns that die when it even LOOKS like snow. You need some REAL weather. AND....back to our regularly scheduled program... Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her Father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her Father and placed some thing in his hand..Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to The father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him To divulge the secret and say something So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit card to me." The whole audience including priest started laughing.......... But not the poor groom! Ah yes, I quite agree. I hunker down. I take snow days. Despite my good tires on my car I'm a total suck when it comes to driving in the snow or ice storms. Yet I can relate to the parka and shorts thing, Thanksgiving weekends closing the trailer in Muskoka. A frog goes into a bank and walks up to the window. He can see from the teller’s nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a yacht and go on a cruise." Ms. Whack asks how much money he wants to borrow. The frog says around $55,000. Ms. Whack asks the frog his name and he replies "Kermit Jagger, it shouldn’t be a problem, I know the branch manager." Ms. Whack explains that $55,000 is a large sum of money and that he will need to put up something as collateral against the loan. She asks "do you have anything as collateral?" Kermit says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a small pewter cricket, about an inch tall. Stunned, Ms. Whack explains that she'll have to speak with the branch manager and walks into an office at the front of the bank. She finds the branch manager and says: "There's a frog by the named of Kermit Jagger out there who says he knows you and wants to borrow $55,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the small pewter cricket. "Like, what is this thing suppose to be?" So the branch manager looks back at her and says: ARE you READY? You're warned! "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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| kim Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | *HmS*Semper Fi wrote ... It's 75 F. here in Texas and I'm sweating... wonderful!! I'm coming for a visit :D | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | The teacher gave the class a bowl full of lifesavers and Asked the children to identify the flavors by their color: And they did: Red.......................Cherry Yellow...................Lemon Green....................Lime Orange ............... Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes! The teacher had to leave the room... | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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| kim Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | omg LOLOL!!!! | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance. "Nuts and Butts"....no way. "Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good. "Loons and Moons".....forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends" Everyone loved it. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | The recession hits everybody: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America . Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her. A picture is now only worth 200 words. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $3.5 trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A man is sitting on the verandah with his wife and he says, “I love you.” She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?” He replies, “It’s me……….talking to the beer.'' | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .. Moral of the story: Women are not as smart as they THINK they are. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN Cape Breton Hello, is dis the Police Office? Yes. Sir this is Central Dispatch, what can we do for you? Ims callin yah to report 'bout me neighbor Jackie Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside hes firewood! I don't quite know how he gets it in dem dare logs, but he's hidin' it there. Thank you very much for the call, sir. The next day, twelve Cape Breton Regional Police Officers descend on Murphy‘s house armed with a search warrant. Poor old Jackie is mystified. The police search the shed where Murphy’s firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. The senior officer sneers at Jackie and they leave after warning Jackie that if they get any more calls about him having marijuana, they will be back. A short time later, Jackie’s phone rings. 'Hey, Jackie! This here's your ole buddy Floyd....Did da Police come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!' 'Happy Birthday, there old buddy!' Cape Bretoner’s know how to Git 'er Done by! | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | This is alarming! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, scientists at Montreal University released the results of their recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% - of all these men: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally, and 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary!! | ||
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| *HmS*deathwish |
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 Registered Member #345 Joined: Sun Oct 31 2004Location: peterborough. uk Posts: 821 | SENIOR CITIZEN TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearingaid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder | ||
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| speedskater |
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speedskater Registered Member #737 Joined: Sun Jul 31 2005Location: ohio Posts: 363 | FATHER OF THE YEAR A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? " He replied, " No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. " | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | MARITAL BLISS Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say,"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter" Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!" One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance" To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks" The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't I'm impressed!" Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!" | ||
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