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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.   Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: * Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. * Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. * If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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 Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | Subject: True Southerner The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south, you are part of the best people in the USA!! | ||
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| *HmS* Halkatla |
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Halkatla Registered Member #674 Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005Location: Skåne / Sweden Posts: 568 | I have no idea if this has been posted... But i hope not.. LOL Dear Tech Support INSTALLING HUSBAND Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate -------------------------------------------------- Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support ======================================================= Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Good Luck, Tech Support | ||
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| *HmS* Halkatla |
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| Halkatla Registered Member #674 Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005Location: Skåne / Sweden Posts: 568 | Tough Request A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" | ||
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| NUT ACE |
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picard Registered Member #1450 Joined: Wed Oct 11 2006Location: The Netherlands Posts: 635 | Reagan, Gorbatsjov and Thatcher have died. They now stand before GOD (sitting on his throne) awaiting what's to happen next. GOD asks Reagan " And Brother,what did you do on earth?" Reagan answers that he made lots of effort in stopping the cold war and bring peace between the two worldpowers. GOD says"Brother take your place at my Righthand side" so Reagan sits down in the chair next to GOD. God then asks Gorbatsjov "And Brother, what did you do on earth?" Gorbatsjov answers that he also made lots of effort bringing the coldwar to an end, and also tried to make things better for all russian citizins.. GOD says"Brother take your place at my Lefthand side" so Gorbatsjov sits down in the other chair next to GOD. Now GOD asks Thatcher " And sister, what did you do on earth?" Thatcher answers: First of all...I'm not your sister!! Second, Get out of my chair!!!"  | ||
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| NUT ACE |
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| picard Registered Member #1450 Joined: Wed Oct 11 2006Location: The Netherlands Posts: 635 | *HmS*Quick wrote ... Subject: True Southerner The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south, you are part of the best people in the USA!! When I ever move to the USA I defenately will be living in The South..Y'all And I'm certainly gonna have me a Dawg..  so where is that Rebel Flag Smiley?? | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it. | ||
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| *HmS* Halkatla |
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| Halkatla Registered Member #674 Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005Location: Skåne / Sweden Posts: 568 | I think it is pretty amazing... At first glance, u think, what the, but when u start read.. No problem at all... lol  | ||
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| *HmS*STEDENKO |
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  Registered Member #1452 Joined: Thu Oct 12 2006Location: Newcastle, England Posts: 176 | tahts as cveler as a cvleer thnig taht is. neat | ||
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| *HmS*Ranger Six |
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| *HmS*Ranger Six Registered Member #19 Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003Location: griffin, ga, usa Posts: 1157 | A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm gonna to jump." She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids." She said, "Well then, think of Robert E. Lee." He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?" She replied, "Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee." and if you live in the U.S. and dont know who Robert E. Lee is then you are a yankee "heres your sign" | ||
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| *HmS*Ranger Six |
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| *HmS*Ranger Six Registered Member #19 Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003Location: griffin, ga, usa Posts: 1157 | Colonoscopies A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" "Can you hear me NOW?" "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married." "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?" | ||
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| NUT ACE |
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| picard Registered Member #1450 Joined: Wed Oct 11 2006Location: The Netherlands Posts: 635 |  | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 |  | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Not a joke, but still kinda funny... 1. go to www.google.com 2. click on "maps" 3. click on "get directions" at the top 4. type " New York " in the first box (the "from" box) 5. type " London " in the second box (the "to" box) 6. click on "get directions" top right. 7. scroll down to step #24 | ||
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| *HmS*Proteus |
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  Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | yeah, mate. tried that route but my passport got wet in my speedos and they wouldn't let me in so I had to turn back | ||
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