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Short & Witty

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LoneGunman

Sun Aug 01 2004

Registered Member #188

Joined: Tue May 11 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 43

And other consquences of General Motors imitating Microsoft..........

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Mr. Gates Me
--------- --
(24) (19)

*HmS*OneBulletBitch

Thu Aug 05 2004

Guest

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":

"Al-Qaida's new strategy is to destroy our financial institutions and bring the nation's big businesses and major corporations to its knees. No wait, I'm sorry, that's Ralph Nader's platform!"

"President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just 'talks a good game.' Well, at least nobody can accuse Bush of that."

"According to Drudge Report, a domestic centerpiece of the Republican agenda for the second Bush term is getting rid of the Internal Revenue Service (9) (11) . They want to do away with the IRS. Whew! So I guess they are serious about going after terrorist organizations!"

"Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions? Like at the Democratic Convention, Kerry's daughter told a story about how her dad once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican Convention, the Bush girls are going to tell the story of how, when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair."

*HmS*OneBulletBitch

Mon Aug 23 2004

Guest

Some good bumper stickers:
I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

If you are psychic - think "HONK"

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

You! Off my planet!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"I souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

LoneGunman

Mon Aug 23 2004

Registered Member #188

Joined: Tue May 11 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 43

Top Ten Ways Dumb Guys Would Lower Gas Prices
----------------------------------------------------------

10. Sell gas by the half-gallon

9. Sneak up to gas stations in the middle of the night and switch the price numbers

8. Cut out that expensive ingredient that gives it that delicious gas smell

7. Forget OPEC, start getting oil from Wal-Mart

6. Step one: Oprah buys all the gas. Step 2: Oprah gives the gas away.

5. Build time machine, drive back to 1965 when gas was cheap.

4. Fill car with root beer. Cars won't know no better.

3. Release the recipe so people can make their own

2. Drive really fast so you're not driving so long

1. Invade Iraq

(32)

*HmS*Tiger

Mon Dec 13 2004

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
In hope that no alien would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for some secret face to face...

When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly "Deck One!"

The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi, And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the Hell is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q,
"I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

"For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date."

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, For Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

Deep Six

Mon Dec 13 2004

Registered Member #60

Joined: Tue Jan 13 2004
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin U.S.A.
Posts: 674

A woman walks into a pharmacy and demands the pharmacist sell her some cyanide.

"Cyanide? Why would you even ask for that?"

The woman calmly informs him she wants to kill her husband.

"No way! I'd lose my liscense, we'd both go to jail! All kinds of bad things could happen!"

Before he could continue, the woman produced a picture from her purse of her husband sleeping with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to him.

"Well, Miss... you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

*HmS*Tiger

Tue Dec 14 2004

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer? Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you
what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"? Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road . . "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

*HmS*Tiger

Wed Jan 05 2005

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

*HmS*Tiger

Wed Jan 05 2005

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called... they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America... now speak English!!

*HmS*Tiger

Wed Jan 05 2005

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

2.These are actual bumper stickers:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading

*HmS*Tiger

Wed Jan 05 2005

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Registered Member #343

Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA
Posts: 1490

100 reasons it's great to be a guy:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheer leading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends "you've changed".
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

100 reasons why it's great to be a girl

*HmS*Pistolero

Wed Jan 05 2005

I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit

Registered Member #370

Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004
Location: Usa
Posts: 311

A Day in a Dogs Life

A daddy dog takes his son out one day to teach him the 3 lessons of life...as they walk along they come to a trash can the daddy knocks it over and eats the scraps from it, he looks at the pup and says thats lesson 1...

they walk along and see a female dog in heat...the dad goes over and does his thing...when he is done he looks at the pup and says thats lesson 2...

they walk along and come to a fire hydrant they stop and the dad takes a wiz on the hydrant...looks at the pup and says thats lesson 3...

Now later on that day back at home the dad ask the pup "well son what did you learn today"....the pup replies "well dad I get lesson 1 and 2 but i just don't get lesson 3"...

The dad says "well son if you can't eat it or f*** it, piss on it" (79)

BonJovi-Fed

Wed Jan 05 2005

Registered Member #302

Joined: Sat Oct 02 2004
Location: Notts
Posts: 27

This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on a
Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There was a hush, as no one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The
congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"More sighs and applause.

Ms. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There was a hush.

The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you
to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said....... F**k him!"

*HmS*OBB

Wed Jan 05 2005

Guest

Great Signs seen at a Store Near You

1. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte �

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

6. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

7. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9. In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

*HmS*Quick

Wed Jan 05 2005

Registered Member #143

Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 1700

Fruit Cake Lady- hilarious stuff! Just click the link...

Fruit Cake Lady

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