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| Just some quick jokes! | ||
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Moderators: Hardmaps Administrator, *HmS*Wedge, *HmS*grunt, *HmS*Trevor, *HmS*LongBow
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| Author | Post | ||
| *HmS* Rambo Rob |
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 Registered Member #594 Joined: Wed Apr 06 2005Location: United Kingdom, Wales Posts: 236 | Hiya guys!! Hope your OK?? Here's a few quick jokes posted to you to cheer you all up a bit. Hope you like them...... (17) (9Q. Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? A. Hes all right now. Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck. Q. Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can roast beef. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Right where you left him. Q. Where do you get virgin wool from? A. Ugly sheep. Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. Theyre trying to get away from the noise. Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes. Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro? A. Fill it with gas. (113) (114) (58) | ||
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| *HmS*MoNoXXiDe |
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   Registered Member #311 Joined: Fri Oct 15 2004Location: Indiana Posts: 512 | Good ones Rob..keep um comming (69) | ||
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| *HmS*NON |
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*hms*non Registered Member #85 Joined: Tue Feb 03 2004Location: Netherlands Posts: 1087 | WE WANT MORE MORE MORE!! (69) | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Wow, worse than me even. I dub thee King of Bad Puns! (insert crown emote here) | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! . (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work - just for you Grunt!) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded on a deserted island: Two Italian men and one Italian woman; Two French men and one French woman; Two German men and one German woman; Two Greek men and one Greek woman; Two English men and one English woman; Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman; Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman; Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman; Two Irish men and one Irish woman; Two American men and one American woman. One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman ; The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gottten the woman pregnant in order to suppl y employees for their store. The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't &nbs p;they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping | ||
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| *HmS*NON |
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| *hms*non Registered Member #85 Joined: Tue Feb 03 2004Location: Netherlands Posts: 1087 | You forgot the Dutch OBB!! (29) Two Dutch men and one Dutch woman!! The two guys went to bed with eachother and adopted a child. The woman opened a "coffeeshop" and doesnt remember anything because of the THC in her blood! (97) and its all legal on their island. <span class='smallblacktext'>[ Edited Thu Jun 09 2005 ]</span> | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | How to keep a healthy level of INSANITY at work 1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." 4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. 5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many." 8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." 12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?" 13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet. 14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | 19 Fun thing to do in Public Washrooms! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!" 6. Say "Darn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!" 11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please? 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me! 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00am and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I reply that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. Our email doesn’t work without a telephone line IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it..... they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it as unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | The phone rings and John picks it up "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $2,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $950,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $920,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye...I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 25 Signs That You Have Grown Up 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the Beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not Condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm Never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for Real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Ok, I just HAD to post these - too funny! THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the **** was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in **** until I met you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. | ||
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| Lp50 |
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 Registered Member #693 Joined: Sun Jun 26 2005Location: North Carolina USA Posts: 1 | Loved them, Obb! I'm new to the site and this is my first visit to your forum. Been playing your coop maps a lot though. And you really want to be a pig in your next life? (87) :) <span class='smallblacktext'>[ Edited Mon Jun 27 2005 ]</span> | ||
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