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| Just some quick jokes! | ||
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| *HmS*Ole Fart |
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   Registered Member #432 Joined: Tue Dec 28 2004Location: Spanish Fork UT Posts: 1681 | Darn Grave I just love your vocabulary. great response to the thread lol | ||
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| *HmS*Grave Digger |
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 Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | Well thank you sir | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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 Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys." "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer." "And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." | ||
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| *HmS*Cardinal |
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I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup! Registered Member #1489 Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany Posts: 1216 | LOL! Good one, Quick! | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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kim  Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 |  good one! | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Five surgeons are talking. #1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." #2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded. " #3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order." #4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." #5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable.” | ||
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| *HmS*Semper Fi |
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Leave no survivers and nobody behind. Registered Member #2337 Joined: Sat Feb 28 2009Location: Dallas. Texas The Lone Star State Posts: 350 | Grunt that is so true... | ||
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| *HmS*Proteus |
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  Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | Drafting Guys Over 60 This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-#&*$#. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen any one outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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| kim Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | *HmS*grunt wrote ... Five surgeons are talking. #1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." #2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded. " #3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order." #4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." #5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable.” aaah Dalton McGuinty. I get it now :D | ||
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| Poncho88 |
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  Registered Member #2734 Joined: Sun Jan 23 2011Posts: 88 | At the completion of a month long NATO exercise, three generals were seen sitting at the same cafe table somewhere in Belgium. After a couple of rounds of drinks, the French General leaps to his feet and proclaims, "I have zee bravest sold-jours of all Europe!!". Of course the British General and American General bust out in hysterical laughter. Offended, the French general sets down his glass of wine and calls one of his lieutenants over and orders, "Lieutenant Pierre, do you zee that cliff?" .. the young lieutenant replies, "oui, oui monsieur!!" .. the French General orders "you will run as fast as zee can, leap over zee cliff, and land in zee raging waters below to show French Bravery" .. without hesitation, the young lieutenant executes a crisp salute, executes a right face, and then at a full sprint leaps off of the cliff .. and you can hear as he's falling, "viva la Frannnnncccccceeeeeee" .... sploosh!! The British General stands up and sets down his glass of sherry, while shaking his head, states, "good show ol' chap .. but not good enough if I might say" .. he calls over a major and orders, "Major Davenport, do you see that cliff?" .. the major already taking his cue from the French exhibition replies with confidence, "aye, sir!" .. the British General continues, "well then, I want you too take that platoon of Royal Marines and as one in a show of bravery you are to accompany your Marines and leap off of that cliff for a good show" .. without hesitation, the major renders a crisp salute, orders the platoon of Royal Marines in to formation, gives them a right face, and all 80 Brits are heard screaming as the leap off of the cliff as one "God save the Quueeeeennnnnn" .. SPLOOSH!!1! The American General doesn't even bother to stand or set his mug of beer on the table .. he looks up and says, "Gentlemen .. you have no idea what bravery is" .. he looks over and sees a first sergeant and says, "First Sergeant, bring me your lowest ranking private" .. within seconds a private named Smith from Minnesota reports to the American General and the American General says, "Smith, you see that cliff over there?" .. Smith looks over at the cliff and looks back and says, "yes sir" .. The American General says, "Smith, you see that raging river below it?" .. Smith looks over again and looks back at the American General, "yes sir, I do" .. then the American General says, "that's great Smith .. I want you to double time over that cliff and land in to the water below for your country" .. Smith takes one last look at the cliff and raging water and looks back at the American General and says, "Sir, you must be out of your *&$^ing mind .. sir" .. with a smile, the American General looks back at the two bewildered generals and says, "now gentlemen, that's bravery" | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | 9 Months Billy decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Billy's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Billy said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Billy got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said Bob 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did..' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?.... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day! | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | You may live in Canada if.... If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May. If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number. If you measure distance in hours. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again. If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- You're going 95 and everybody is passing you. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car. If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada. If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your friends, you definitely are Canadian and Proud To Be. | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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| kim Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | so true Grunt. The only thing I'd change is the "90km" to "120km" We all know thats the REAL speed in Canada. Anything less and the OPP don't even look at you | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | shempie wrote ... so true Grunt. The only thing I'd change is the "90km" to "120km" We all know thats the REAL speed in Canada. Anything less and the OPP don't even look at you Maybe on the 400 series - but up my way you go 120 you end up in a ditch. | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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| kim Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | *HmS*grunt wrote ... shempie wrote ... so true Grunt. The only thing I'd change is the "90km" to "120km" We all know thats the REAL speed in Canada. Anything less and the OPP don't even look at you Maybe on the 400 series - but up my way you go 120 you end up in a ditch. True lol I'd like to say "as a Canadian I am used to driving in snow" Well to be honest we hardly get any. It may snow a lot but the next day will be 3c and it's all gone. In 2 days we are currently going from -12 (day before yesterday) to 0 right now and by the end of the day 5c and tomorrow 7c. Welcome to Southern Ontario weather | ||
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