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| *HmS*Semper Fi |
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Leave no survivers and nobody behind.   Registered Member #2337 Joined: Sat Feb 28 2009Location: Dallas. Texas The Lone Star State Posts: 350 | You got that right and it's no joke down here in the south. When my wife comes in the room the mice jump on the table...  | ||
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| *HmS*Sniper |
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british-sniper  Registered Member #1692 Joined: Fri Apr 20 2007Location: France ...some say Posts: 340 | that's a good one Tiger | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. | ||
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| *HmS*Semper Fi |
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| Leave no survivers and nobody behind. Registered Member #2337 Joined: Sat Feb 28 2009Location: Dallas. Texas The Lone Star State Posts: 350 | Tiger that makes me want to go out and chase a car. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man, laughed and said, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, never did dance...can't say as I ever wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, can't say as I have.....but I've always wanted to." There are a few lessons for us all here: 1. Never be arrogant. 2. Don't waste ammunition. 3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you really are. 4. Always, always make sure you know who has the power. 5. Don't mess with old men.....they didn't get old by being stupid. I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you? | ||
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| *HmS*Sniper |
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| british-sniper Registered Member #1692 Joined: Fri Apr 20 2007Location: France ...some say Posts: 340 | Great one mate | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | 1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 2. Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 4. To write with a broken pencil, is pointless. 5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at-large. 6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A 8. The math professor went crazy at the blackboard. He did a number on it! 9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. 10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. 12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired. 13. A will is a dead giveaway. 14. A backward poet writes inverse. 15. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 16. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 17. When a grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, what resulted was linoleum blown apart. 18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 19. A calendar's days are numbered. 20. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine . 22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd just dye. 23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 24. Acupuncture: a jab well done. 8-) | ||
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| *HmS*Proteus |
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  Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | Groaaaan!! | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | This one struck home.......... A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!” | ||
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| *HmS*Ole Fart |
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 Registered Member #432 Joined: Tue Dec 28 2004Location: Spanish Fork UT Posts: 1681 | A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks: "Hey there, do you want to go for a ride?" "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, " I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says: "I'm feeling generous today! 'I'll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out... "Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley! So ride it by yourself!" | ||
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| NUT ACE |
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picard Registered Member #1450 Joined: Wed Oct 11 2006Location: The Netherlands Posts: 635 | *HmS*Ole Fart wrote ... "Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley! So ride it by yourself!" Hey!... Watch it!  | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older... However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other... Signed, Jim EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting in her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. | ||
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| *HmS*Cardinal |
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I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup! Registered Member #1489 Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany Posts: 1216 | In the following a really asked question in the final chemistry test of the NUI Maynooth (Kildare, Ireland). The answer of a student was that “low-digging”, that the professor wanted divide it with his colleague and speared it over the Internet, that's why we'll maybe amused now by it. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let''s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." The student received the only "A" [ Edited Sat May 29 2010 ] | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | GETTING OLDER Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class. "Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought -but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!" | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A BEAUTIFUL STORY Not often does one receive such a beautiful story. This should be passed on and shared with our youth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' So, the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The end | ||
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