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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit   Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 | This is a cool link...do the little test and find out what kind of car you are. http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/ | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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  Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon: An Alabama fan, An Auburn fan, A Tennessee fan, and a Georgia fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most die hard fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Tennessee fan proclaims to the other three, "This is for the Volunteers!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice, screaming, "Rocky Top!" as he fell to his death. Not to be outdone by the Tennessee fan, the Georgia fan jumped up and shouted, "This is for the DAWGS!" and threw himself off the mountain barking, "Woof...woof, woof, woof, woof!" as he crashed on the rocks below. Refusing to be outdone by the Tennessee and Georgia fans, the Alabama fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "THIS IS FOR THE CRIMSON TIDE!" and without hesitation, pushed the Auburn fan off the mountain shouting, "Fly now, You War Eagle!" | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Edited due to poster being a computer/technical moron.  [ Edited Tue Oct 31 2006 ] | ||
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| *HmS* Halkatla |
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Halkatla Registered Member #674 Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005Location: Skåne / Sweden Posts: 568 | The Motorcycle Patrolman A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week." | ||
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| *HmS* Halkatla |
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| Halkatla Registered Member #674 Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005Location: Skåne / Sweden Posts: 568 | The Safe City Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. "What's wrong?" asked Jack. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in Los Angeles. They have shootings, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate." "Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck." | ||
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| *HmS*MeKen |
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The Legend Registered Member #138 Joined: Tue Mar 23 2004Location: Stockholm Sweden Posts: 541 | For all hardcore gamers http://www.crazypc.com/other/misc/lanpotty.htm | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot.... | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long" | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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Mom of Many  Registered Member #1502 Joined: Thu Nov 16 2006Location: In the land of Confusion... Posts: 36 | Top 6 Smart Ass Answers of 2006 SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." | ||
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| *HmS* Halkatla |
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| Halkatla Registered Member #674 Joined: Wed Jun 08 2005Location: Skåne / Sweden Posts: 568 | On a very quiet Sunday morning, a pilot was flying his Robinson R22 helicopter to a very small uncontrolled field in Middletown, N.Y. to join a gathering of fellow helicopter pilots for competitions and hangar flying, known as a "helicopter roundup." The pilot's route passed through the Windsor Locks, Conn. Class B airspace, so the pilot called up Approach Control for clearance through the airspace. As the controller cleared the helicopter into the airspace, he added, "I used to work that district. What in the world are you going there for?" The pilot replied that he was going to Middletown to participate in a helicopter roundup. After a lengthy pause, the controller came back with, "It must be kinda hard to lasso those puppies." | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Top 17 Country Songs 17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine 16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer And the Number One Country Song --- 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when..." 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26 You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Monk Secret A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | You gotta Love Drunk People A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" She asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | THANKS TO ALL FOR THIS YEAR My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheist bastards who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Iraq. I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven hundred of my friends and make a wish within five seconds. I no longer have and savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)... I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this damn e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large flock of pigeons with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and shit all over you. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's third cousin's beautician. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! | ||
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