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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...    Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A Little Canadian Humor, Forget Rednecks, Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, You may live in Canada. If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada. If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada. If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada. If you know several people Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back again, You may live in Canada. If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow During a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada. If you install security lights on your house and garage, But leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada. If you carry jumpers in your car And your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada. If you design your kid's Halloween costume To fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada. If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- You're going 90 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada. If driving is better in the winter Because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada. If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada. If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada. If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada. If you actually understand these jokes, And forward them to all Your Canadian friends & others, You definitely live in Canada.  | ||
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| *HmS*deathwish |
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 Registered Member #345 Joined: Sun Oct 31 2004Location: peterborough. uk Posts: 821 | 3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30.00 SO EACH MAN PAID £10.00 AND WENT TO THE ROOM. A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25.00 SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.00 ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5.00 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1.00 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2.00 FOR HIMSELF. THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF £27.00, ADD THE £2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.00 WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND? | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | One for THE Pistolero A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?" The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison." | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?' 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better? GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi! | ||
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| *HmS*black monk |
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black monk Registered Member #1439 Joined: Fri Sep 29 2006Location: Brightlingsea, England Posts: 395 | 10 signs you know your an internet geek 10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food. 6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you. 5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 4. You introduce your wife as "mylady@ home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications". 3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server". 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!" And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek: 1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!" [ Edited Sun Aug 17 2008 ] | ||
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| *HmS*black monk |
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| black monk Registered Member #1439 Joined: Fri Sep 29 2006Location: Brightlingsea, England Posts: 395 | Last requests: A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the Chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" | ||
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| *HmS*black monk |
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| black monk Registered Member #1439 Joined: Fri Sep 29 2006Location: Brightlingsea, England Posts: 395 | One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" | ||
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| *HmS*Proteus |
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  Registered Member #1341 Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006Location: Chesterfield, England Posts: 487 | *HmSr*black monk wrote ... One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" one of the truest oxymorons in the english language: "Microsoft works!" | ||
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| *HmS*black monk |
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| black monk Registered Member #1439 Joined: Fri Sep 29 2006Location: Brightlingsea, England Posts: 395 | Difficult words to say when you are sober...... * Innovative * Preliminary * Proliferation Impossible words to say when you are drunk..... * Thanks, but I don't want sex * No, I don't want another drink * No Kebab for me, thank you * Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me * Good evening Officer | ||
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| Coolie |
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  Registered Member #518 Joined: Sun Feb 13 2005Location: UK Posts: 164 | The Pearly Gates 40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the gates'. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Something to listen to when Nova's down.... CLICK | ||
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| *HmS*Sniper |
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british-sniper Registered Member #1692 Joined: Fri Apr 20 2007Location: France ...some say Posts: 340 | These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe... 1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time). 7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug. 15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. 16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. 19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Never Choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shake s her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hill billy walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this? Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | NINE WORDS WOMEN USE Pay attention guys! This is an eye-opening and soooooooooooo TRUE! (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of blowing you off! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. | ||
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