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| Jokes around the house | ||
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Moderators: Hardmaps Administrator, *HmS*Wedge, *HmS*grunt, *HmS*Trevor, *HmS*LongBow
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...    Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by gettingsomeone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache. AND. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. | ||
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| *HmS*OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | Allright fellas, this is a true story. I was playing Scrabble with our upstairs neighbors. "B" is a young kid, probably around 22. So, I had a bunch of odd letters, and found I could make the word - hymen-and so I did. After I put the letters down on the board, B looks at me and says, "Are those the church songs?" I didn't stop laughing for quite a while, after I gave him the defination of the word. Later in the game, he puts down the letters M-O-R-A-N. I ask him what that word meant, and he said matter-of-factly, "It's the word moron!" I rest my case! (23) | ||
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| *HmS*OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" The moral of this story is..... . . . . . . .it's a good one... . . . . . . . . . Always keep your condoms in your car. (5) | ||
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| *HmS*Ranger Six |
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| *HmS*Ranger Six Registered Member #19 Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003Location: griffin, ga, usa Posts: 1157 | my wife asked me one day just after we were married, "where do you get the eggs you peel?"....if only she had asked me before we were married (15) (48) (60) | ||
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| Elesse |
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  Registered Member #203 Joined: Fri May 21 2004Location: Portugal Posts: 37 | "Today I'll make 30 years of marriage. I woke up quite sad, at 5 o'clock in the morning. Went to kitchen, sat 4 a while and start crying. My wife heard and came to the kitchen, puted her hands over my shoulders and asked me why I was crying like a babe. I sad, remember when we were only dating, your father caught us and said to me - young man, u will marry my daughter, otherwise I'll put u in jail for 30 years! She said, hunny I remember! I said so do I. Today would be the day I would be sent off from prision!!! I kept on crying. Never thought I would be condemned 4 life" (21) (14) | ||
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| *HmS*OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!" Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated." (69) | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, and 5. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred, to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice, will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key, until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you." If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | |||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | An excellent spinoff from a great classic routine. (35) | ||
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| *HmS*Trevor |
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| Registered Member #35 Joined: Tue Dec 30 2003Location: Lincolnshire England Posts: 2080 | (44) (60) (45) | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | For those who don't know what we're talking about: WHO's ON FIRST Click the LISTEN button; about 4 minutes long [ Edited Wed Dec 29 2004 ] | ||
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| Deep Six |
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  Registered Member #60 Joined: Tue Jan 13 2004Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin U.S.A. Posts: 674 | Omg... what's the cut-off age to not know what you're talking about? (21) Getting olllllder (68) | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Not sure where to post this, but I thought it was funny.... Why you shouldn't take the bible too seriously.... 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) <span class='smallblacktext'>[ Edited Thu Dec 30 2004 ]</span> | ||
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