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| Deep Six |
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  Registered Member #60 Joined: Tue Jan 13 2004Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin U.S.A. Posts: 674 | What do they call a swimming pool full of Frenchies? Bay of Pigs | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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  Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | What Is Politics? ------------------- A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo." (5) | ||
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| *HmS*Trevor |
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    Registered Member #35 Joined: Tue Dec 30 2003Location: Lincolnshire England Posts: 2080 | If women really knew what we were thinking they`d never stop slapping us (l) | ||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | Friends don't let friends take home ugly men Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ You're too good for him. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA. No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX | ||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | The professor of a university challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student answered bravely, "Yes, he did". The professor then asked, "If God created everything, then he created evil. Since evil exists (as noticed by our own actions), so God is evil. The student couldn't respond to that statement causing the professor to conclude that he had "proved" that "belief in God" was a fairy tale, and therefore worthless. Another student raised his hand and asked the professor, "May I pose a question? " "Of course" answered the professor. The young student stood up and asked : "Professor does Cold exists?" The professor answered, "What kind of question is that?...Of course the cold exists... haven't you ever been cold?" The young student answered, "In fact sir, Cold does not exist. According to the laws of Physics, what we consider cold, in fact is the absence of heat. Anything is able to be studied as long as it transmits energy (heat). Absolute Zero is the total absence of heat, but cold does not exist. What we have done is create a term to describe how we feel if we don't have body heat or we are not hot." And, does Dark exist?, he continued. The professor answered "Of course". This time the student responded, "Again you're wrong,Sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in fact simply the absence of light. Light can be studied, darkness can not. Darkness cannot be broken down. A simple ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the light beam finishes. Dark is a term that we humans have created to describe what happens when there's lack of light." Finally, the student asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" The professor replied, "Of course it exists, as I mentioned at the beginning, we see violations, crimes and violence anywhere in the world, and those things are evil." The student responded, Sir, Evil does not exist. Just as in the previous cases, Evil is a term which man has created to describe the result of the absence of God's presence in the hearts of man. After this, the professor bowed down his head, and didn't answer back. The young man's name was ALBERT EINSTEIN. | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | Enron Capitalism -------------------- Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Got Milk? (3) | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | I don't mean to sound too political, but I just had to put these jokes on here when I found them. These are real quotes from talk show hosts............. "I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas, and then I got to page two." Craig Kilborn "You thought the Reagan funeral helped the Bush campaign, wait till you see the Osama Bin Laden funeral. That's going to be the big one." Jay Leno "Bill Clinton's new book is actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I believe, are about a boy and his wand." David Letterman "Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" Jay Leno "John Kerry has called for an increase in the minimum wage. He said people out there are struggling, and you can't always fix the problem by marrying a rich woman." Jay Leno "The 9/11 Commission said today they have found no ties between Iraq and al Qaeda. To which President Bush said, 'Yeah, but how about they're both from the Middle East.'" Jay Leno "Former President George Bush marked his 80th birthday by jumping out of a plane. In a related story, O.J. Simpson marked the 10th anniversary of the murders by jumping out of the bushes." Jay Leno "The State Department released a memo saying terrorism has gone down. It turns out, the only reason they came up with that information is because of a mathematical error. A mathematical error, isn't that how Bush became president?" David Letterman "Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book." David Letterman "The Bush administration is testing something called the Registered Travelers Program. This allows travelers to bypass the security lines and checkpoints at airports by agreeing to a fee and a background check. Boy, that's a great idea. A separate line for rich people I'm surprised the Republicans thought of that." Jay Leno "Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in, when the Republican ordered a break-in of Democratic National Headquarters. To give you an idea of how long ago that was, that's back when Democrats actually had ideas worth stealing." Jay Leno Democrats Me Republicans ------------ ---- -------------- (9) lol (7) | ||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | A millionaire finds out he is dying, and asks his wife to promise that she will put all his money in his coffin as he wants to go to heaven with it all. She does promise, and a month later he dies and all of her friends tell her that she is crazy to honor such a request, since he is dead and does not know about his money now. The wife made the promise so the day of the funeral she goes and finds out exactly what he has in the bank. Then she goes to the funeral and places the large box in the casket. Now her friends really think she is crazy. At the end of the service they come to her and commend her for keeping the promise to him. She said I told him I loved him and would never take his money so I went to the bank and had a check made for him to cash as soon as he get to heavens bank.... (4) (6) | ||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | |||
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| *HmS1>OneBulletBitch |
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| Guest | Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to he bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Nursery Rhymes - before the rewrite JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread. LITTLE MISS MUFFET Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It had not been the spider That crept up beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. SIMPLE SIMON Simple Simon met a pieman Going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pieman "What have you got there?" Said the pieman unto Simon "Pies, you dumbass!" HUMPTY DUMPTY Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again. HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, Hey diddle, diddle, The cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun Then died of electric shock. GEORGIE PORGY Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL There was a little girl Who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, She was very, very good, But when she was bad She got a fur coat, jewels, waterfront condo and a sports car. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Never under-estimate a woman (especially behind a steering wheel!)... >> Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? > Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. > Woman: Oh, I see. > Officer: Can I see your licence please? > Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. > Officer: Don't have one? > Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. > Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. > Woman: I can't do that. > Officer: Why not? > Woman: I stole this car. > Officer: Stole it? > Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. > Officer: You what? > Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see. > The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls > for > back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer > slowly > approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. >> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps > out of her vehicle. > Woman: Is there a problem sir? > Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and > murdered the owner. > Woman: Murdered the owner? > Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please. The > woman > opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. > Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? > Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. > Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence. > The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to > the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the > licence. He looks quite puzzled. > Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a > licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the > owner. >> Woman: I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | PICKING A WIFE A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the nicest ass. Men are like that, you know. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | And MAN said to God - "Why did you make Women so beautiful?" And God siad - "So you would love her." And Man said - "Yes, but why did you make her so dense?" And God said - "So she would love YOU!" | ||
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| LoneGunman |
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| Registered Member #188 Joined: Tue May 11 2004Location: USA Posts: 43 | Bill Gates and General Motors ---------------------------------- Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?" (28) | ||
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