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| Just some quick jokes! | ||
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Moderators: Hardmaps Administrator, *HmS*Wedge, *HmS*grunt, *HmS*Trevor, *HmS*LongBow
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.   Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | This is amazing -- IT ONLY TAKES A MINUTE...... FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO. It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking! 1. Pick your favorite number between 1-8 2. Multiply by 3 then......... 3. Add 3.......... 4. Then multiply again by 3. You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.... 5. Add the digits together Now scroll down-- ................. With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below: 1. Albert Einstein 2. Oprah Winfrey 3. Colin Powell 4. Bill Clinton 5. William Gates 6. Mother Theresa 7. Albert Schweitzer 8. Margaret Thatcher 9. HmS Tiger 10. Winston Churchill I know, I know...(scary). I just have that effect on people. One day, you too can be just like me. Why are you laughing? See laughter is a great medicine!!!!! P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!! I AM YOUR IDOL .... | ||
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| *HmS*Semper Fi |
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Leave no survivers and nobody behind. Registered Member #2337 Joined: Sat Feb 28 2009Location: Dallas. Texas The Lone Star State Posts: 350 | Tiger that was great. (Where does he git all this stuff )  [ Edited Fri Sep 24 2010 ] | ||
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| *HmSr*shempie |
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kim  Registered Member #2462 Joined: Tue Oct 06 2009Location: Canada Posts: 364 | I got #1 physics was my strong point, not math | ||
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| *HmS*Grave Digger |
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 Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | You are one of my heros any way...   [ Edited Sat Sep 25 2010 ] | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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Captain Slow  Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. Corporate Directive In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately. RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS: 1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password. 2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords. 3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password. 4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March. 5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words. 6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other. 7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password. Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately. | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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 Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | Men remember anniversaries after all: A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him……………………………… He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’ The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ ‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’ ‘I remember that too’ she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have been released today." [ Edited Fri Jan 14 2011 ] | ||
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| *HmS*Grave Digger |
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| Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | Thats a good one...lol | ||
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| *HmS*deathwish |
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 Registered Member #345 Joined: Sun Oct 31 2004Location: peterborough. uk Posts: 821 | nice | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | HOME REMEDIES !! THESE REALLY WORK !! AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Church Funny This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it. A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and Pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down. The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.' | ||
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| *HmS*Cardinal |
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I am root. If you see me laughing, you‘d better have a backup! Registered Member #1489 Joined: Sat Nov 11 2006Location: Münster (Westphalia), Germany Posts: 1216 | Hey Tiger, Now THAT's a really good one! Had me laughing for a minute!  | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful... A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean.... [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG! | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Valentines Day Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing.... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?" | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Two Cajun hunters from Lafayette hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose. They objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.. Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?" Thibodeaux replied, "I think we're pretty close to the spot where we crashed last year. | ||
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| *HmS*Grave Digger |
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| Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | hahaha | ||
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