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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.   Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander  The reply came back in true USMC style:Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar . It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.  | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | LIFE THOUGHTS BY DUCKY  Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it; So I said "Implants?" She hit me. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over 50 for Miss Universe? Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over? Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and, since it's in English, thank a soldier." And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. | ||
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| *HmS*Grave Digger |
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 Registered Member #1874 Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007Location: U.S.A./Maryland Posts: 753 | Thats so true. | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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 Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get20there! Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig? We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before! Regards, The Over 30 Crowd | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | LOL I remember doing that on the radio and yes the DJ would ALWAYS talk over the first or last bit  | ||
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| Sunray |
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IC.Sunray  Registered Member #1966 Joined: Sun Jan 13 2008Location: United Kingdom Posts: 61 | *HmS*Quick wrote ... THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! When I was a kid ... ------------ 8< ------------ Polite Snip ------------ 8< ------------ Light hearted Reply ... Hey Hey Quick ... Crikey mate you must be really young ... and you would certainly have had far it easy when you were a boy ... Because when I was a kid ... There was no such thing a Hi Fi ... TV was just Black n White ... Our house was lit with gas and had a gas mantle ... Electricity came later ... Our washing machine [still not invented then] was a called the copper and a mangle was used in place of the spin dryer ... [A copper is like a dirty great boiling pot to chuck your washing in and mangle was used to wring it out to dry]. The Iron was heated on the fire or if you were lucky on the gas ring. The radio had valves in it, which needed to warm up before it made a sound ... There were no buses to get around town - just Trams ... the Trolly Buses came later ... If you were among the rich you could arrange horse drawn deliveries to your door, of fresh cows milk and some bread. Teachers could use the cane or rule on you if you spoke out of place ... And they found real spiteful ways of doing it. The local bobby would offer you the choice of a round or two at the back of the Grenada [Cinema] or get nicked even for the smallest thing. Like pinching a bottle of milk from someone's doorstep. I won't go on, or you will think I am "some kind of old guy" ... [Lmao](nah) Now That's what I'm talking about! You young men of today had it too easy when you were kids. You were spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1940 or before! Regards, The Over 60 Crowd [ Edited Mon Aug 24 2009 ] | ||
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| *HmS*black monk |
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black monk Registered Member #1439 Joined: Fri Sep 29 2006Location: Brightlingsea, England Posts: 395 | [quote] *HmS*Quick wrote ... THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! When I was a kid ... ------------ 8< ------------ Polite Snip ------------ 8< ------------ Light hearted Reply ... Hey Hey Quick ... Crikey mate you must be really young ... and you would certainly have had far it easy when you were a boy ... Because when I was a kid ... That's nothing to do with age, it's becauce you live in Norfolk  [ Edited Mon Aug 24 2009 ] | ||
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| *HmS*Trevor |
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| Registered Member #35 Joined: Tue Dec 30 2003Location: Lincolnshire England Posts: 2080 | Dang, Monk beat me too it LOL | ||
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| Sunray |
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| IC.Sunray Registered Member #1966 Joined: Sun Jan 13 2008Location: United Kingdom Posts: 61 | Lmao - you guys sure know how to josh an old man ... | ||
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| *HmS*Wedge |
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| Captain Slow Registered Member #3 Joined: Fri Dec 19 2003Location: Scotland Posts: 4651 | funny motor insurance claims "I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.." (Thanks M Robson) "Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.." (Thanks N Bradley) "I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - Thanks N Shepherd) "The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows) "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo. "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control." "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan." "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car." "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again" "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way" "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car" "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian." "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle." "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull." "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him." "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end." "The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. " "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way." "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before." "When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." "The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal." "No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert." "I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries." "The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him." "I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact." "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle." "My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen) The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard. "I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings." "The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week." "I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before." "A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.) (Thanks Ben Keirnan) | ||
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| *HmS*black monk |
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| black monk Registered Member #1439 Joined: Fri Sep 29 2006Location: Brightlingsea, England Posts: 395 | Plumber jokes
A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish. During the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly. About 6:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8 p.m.. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?" | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | God and the Biker A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'. The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.' And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge? | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Fall Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. | ||
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| *HmS*Ranger Six |
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| *HmS*Ranger Six Registered Member #19 Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003Location: griffin, ga, usa Posts: 1157 | One-Liners 1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad. 2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up. 4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police. 14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. 16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you. 28) 29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go. 37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left. [ Edited Fri Dec 18 2009 ] | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SOUTHERN GIRL The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from THE SOUTH. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates. | ||
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