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Moderators: Hardmaps Administrator, *HmS*Wedge, *HmS*grunt, *HmS*Trevor, *HmS*LongBow
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | 1.Men are like .....Laxatives ....... They irritate the shit out of you. 2.Men are like ......... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3.Men are like ......... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them. 4.Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5.Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips. 6.Men are like ...... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7.Men are like ......... Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8.Men are like . Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9.Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10.Men are like . Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11.Men are like . Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming,how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12.Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13.Men are like . Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.   Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | (70) Rules for Women 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9 If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e., Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 15. He heard you the first time. 16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little. 17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. 18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. 20. Dogs good. Cats bad. 21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls". 23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument. 24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 25. He was not looking at that other girl. 26. Well, okay... maybe a little. 27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy... 28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "****". 29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking. 32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him. 34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. 37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford are prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves are better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all. 39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash is cute. 40. Don't hog the covers. 41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that... 42. He does not just want to be friends. 43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?" <"> [ Edited Sat Jan 22 2005 ] | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | Ok, so maybe I am being just a "hormonal" woman, but I really do have a problem with the previous post's #28. I don't know of too many men who use that word lighty. Granted, it's all in good fun, but still...that one is a little over the line. That's just my opinion, wether it counts for anything or not. | ||
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| *HmS*Trevor |
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  Registered Member #35 Joined: Tue Dec 30 2003Location: Lincolnshire England Posts: 2080 | I must be getting old cus I dont like that word either OBB (44) (72) | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | I stand (er sit) corrected. You may edit # 28 with my permission........ its not one of my favorite words either. However it turned out, this post was meant as a funny and not an offensive. | ||
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| KILLER! |
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 Registered Member #190 Joined: Thu May 13 2004Location: Hayling Island, Hampshire. (uk) Posts: 130 | Dont think it is needed on this site. We do not allow words like that on the servers so I dont think we should use them on here. (16) | ||
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| *HmS*Basford |
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| Guest | A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?" She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today." (58) | ||
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| KILLZONE |
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  Registered Member #22 Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003Location: lichfield england Posts: 239 | (60) now that is funny (44) | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | And here is one dedicated to OBB HE HE she needs more ammo! This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. (41) Damn women drivers | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | ZEN FOR TODAY 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just f... off and leave me alone. 2. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. 3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things get worse. | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | I like #21! | ||
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| *HmS*Trevor |
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| Registered Member #35 Joined: Tue Dec 30 2003Location: Lincolnshire England Posts: 2080 | After Great Britain's Beer Festival... After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer. The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please." The bartender gives him one. Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." | ||
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| Deep Six |
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  Registered Member #60 Joined: Tue Jan 13 2004Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin U.S.A. Posts: 674 | 10 Things Men Know about women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have Breasts. | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | 10 things women know about men 1. Don't talk during a sports broadcast. Save it for the commercials. 2. Swallow, don't spit. ;) 3. Oogling another woman doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just that he expects to get hit. 4. Shopping is only good when it's done in a hardware store or outdoors store. 5. Food -homemade at that- is the best way to get them to listen. 6. Taking out the garbage is still women's work. 7. Re-adjusting in public is a way of reafferming one's manhood. 8. Writing one's name in the snow with urine is the equivalent of a wolf marking it's territory. 9. An armchair is always better with the butt-cheek groove made from years of tv watching. 10. Oh, right, they have a penis. (23) (43) | ||
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| *HmS*OBB |
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| Guest | A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' " The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' " A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer. "The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!! (60) | ||
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