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| *HmS*NON |
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*hms*non   Registered Member #85 Joined: Tue Feb 03 2004Location: Netherlands Posts: 1087 |      | ||
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| Ahkmill |
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WEEE!!! Registered Member #875 Joined: Sat Oct 22 2005Location: Herpderp Posts: 36 | What do you call a blonde who dies her hair red? Artificial intelligence. | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????" CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" | ||
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| FEZ |
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 Registered Member #1017 Joined: Mon Jan 02 2006Location: surrey, uk Posts: 4 | you cant end it there... Q: why did the blond take a peice of sandpaper to the desert? A: she thought it was a map.. i'll grab my coat.. (22) | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly "com-for-da-bull" ! | ||
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| SB Hammer |
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 Registered Member #1252 Joined: Thu May 18 2006Posts: 33 | ADAULT WARNING! Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: The mosquito stop sucking when you slap it Q: Why did the blonde use the pills? A: She wanted to know what day of the week it was Q: Ok, but why did the blonde stop using the pills then? A: Because she couldn't prevent them from dropping out Q: What's the first thing a blonde do in the morning? A: She gets dressed and go back home Q: Why does blondes prefer convertibles? A: They get more space for their legs Q: Why does some blonde women have bruises around their belly button? A. Blonde guys aren't that smart either...  | ||
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| *HmS*Quick |
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 Registered Member #143 Joined: Mon Mar 29 2004Location: Georgia, USA Posts: 1700 | T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday' | ||
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| *HmS*Geukie |
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 Registered Member #303 Joined: Sun Oct 03 2004Location: Netherlands Posts: 738 | Q; How do you make a blonde go nuts ? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner Q: Why does a blonde throw water in her computer ? A: So she can surf on the internet Q: How does a blonde send her e-mail ? A: She throws her laptop in a postbox Q: What is a blonde in a libary ? A: Lost Q: Why does a blonde opens the milkcarton in the supermarket ? A: On the carton is written ; Open here Q: Why does a blonde throw the dices against the ceiling ? A: He who throws the highest may begin Two blondes walk besides the river, one on one side the other on the other side. Then one blond calls the other and she ask how to get on that side of the river. The other one replies : Why ? you are already there Two blondes walk across the street, when suddenly one says : hey look a dead bird. The other one look up in the sky and says ; where ??   | ||
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| *HmS*Blood |
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HmS.Blood Registered Member #455 Joined: Mon Jan 10 2005Location: Denmark Posts: 1812 | two blondes are walking in a forest one day then they see some tracks the first blonde says "those are rabbit tracks my dad told me"! the other blonde says "no those are deer tracks my dad told me!" they argued for 20 minutes then they ran over buy a train. | ||
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| *HmS*Tisa |
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Col.Gawdamnit  Registered Member #564 Joined: Mon Mar 14 2005Location: Sweden Posts: 361 | Freely translated from swedish Q: how do you make a blonde twinkle with her eyes? A: you place a flashlight to against her ear and press the ON button. Q:What´s the first thing a blonde says when the doctor explains to her that she is pregnant? A: Is it mine?! Q: whats the differens between a blonde and your brand new porsche.? A: u wouldn lend your Porsche to your best friend. Two blondes are out for a walk when suddenly one of them gets hit in the eye by a bird dropping.. oh dear says the other, il go get some toilet paper. na never mind the firston replyes the bird is long gone by now. three of the most dangerous people in the world :1, a jew with investmentplans , 2. a man from nigeria with new nike shoes, and 3. a blonde with a no limit creditcard. how do u keep an blonde occupied a whole day? give her a sheet of paper and write " look at the other side" on both sides of the papersheet. Q:What do you call a smart blonde? A: a golden retriver Q: what do you call a blondes skeleton in a closet? A: Last years Hide and seek winner! Q: what did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of all accidents happen at home? A: she moved. The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from blonds, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel. A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener." Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted.  | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | The Best Blonde Joke Ever... Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick." | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | The radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow Today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, So the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." ************ | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" ********************* Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter." ********************* A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger." ***************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours. ***************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first." *************** A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee." ****************** AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too." [ Edited Sat Apr 07 2007 ] | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "Shit ! This one's barefoot, too!!" | ||
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