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| Just some quick jokes! | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.   Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 |  Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! ! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------- -------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ----------------- -------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------------------------------- | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast. (31) | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Old Timer An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?" (133) | ||
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| *HmS*Ranger Six |
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| *HmS*Ranger Six Registered Member #19 Joined: Mon Dec 22 2003Location: griffin, ga, usa Posts: 1157 | dont see pistol for a few days heres why | ||
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| *HmS*magic |
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  Registered Member #83 Joined: Sun Feb 01 2004Location: Edinburgh Posts: 234 | so when do we get the invite to the beer party! (20) | ||
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| *HmS*Pistolero |
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I Stopped being a Sexist, Because Bitches hate that shit  Registered Member #370 Joined: Thu Nov 18 2004Location: Usa Posts: 311 | (67) Party up and running (32) (33) (53) (106) | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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Life is like a box of chocolates...  Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | Hello hard working, dedicated people... >> There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). >> If you receive WORK from any of your colleages, your boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT; This virus will wipe out your private life completely. >> If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting Wine type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones(SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer(CASK). >> Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. >> Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. >> *NOTE* After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application. | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | The Glass Eye A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. . . . . " Wait for it. . It's coming. The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: "You just happened to catch my eye." (oh shut up, and just forward it!) | ||
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| *HmS*magic |
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| Registered Member #83 Joined: Sun Feb 01 2004Location: Edinburgh Posts: 234 | People spend a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's just a pity they don't always think as hard about their domain names. Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: ww.whorepresents.com Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: ww.expertsexchange.com Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: ww.penisland.net Need a therapist? Try: ww.therapistfinder.com And there is an Italian Power company: ww.powergenitalia.com Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: ww.molestationnursery.com (20) | ||
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| *HmS*Tiger |
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| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. Registered Member #343 Joined: Fri Oct 29 2004Location: Baton Rouge, LA USA Posts: 1490 | Night Light At age 55, Chuck went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "Chuck, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do have a good relationship with God?" Chuck replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on, when I'm done, poof, the light goes off." Wow!" replied Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Chuck's wife. "Mary," he said, "Chuck is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through, poof, the light goes off?" Mary exclaimed, "Oh, my gosh! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" (23) Just kidding around there Ole Fart (127) | ||
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| Die Trying |
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| Guest | Widdle Wabbit: A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits? The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit.........or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit..........or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit." (2) (7) (14) (13) (23) | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | A DOG'S DIARY 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite! A CAT'S DIARY Day 483 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed. I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan... There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience... I can wait... . . . It is only a matter of time.... | ||
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| Die Trying |
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| Guest | Now grunt, that is hilarious!! I almost split my shorts! LOL. I have new insight into the mind of a psychotic housecat. I learn something new every day. (60) (60) (60) | ||
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| *HmS*grunt |
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| Life is like a box of chocolates... Registered Member #14 Joined: Sat Dec 20 2003Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 2646 | True though, ain't it. | ||
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| -SILVER-FOX- |
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  Registered Member #550 Joined: Sat Mar 05 2005Location: alicante spain Posts: 277 | very good grunt keep them coming | ||
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